In 2023, most people start their search for a partner online. The possibility of dating begins with swiping on a photo or matching profiles. It can be harder to get a sense of the other person at the beginning of dating and also harder to figure out if a person is sincere and looking for the same type of relationship because of this.
I became a psychologist in 1987, after experiencing trauma at the age of 19. I became passionate about working with people on sex and relationships because my experience as a client was that some therapists were awful at talking about sex and helping people to examine their relationship patterns so that they made better choices.
Since online dating became the norm, I have seen many clients have toxic dating experiences including breadcrumbing and love bombing. People find it easier to employ these strategies from behind the keyboard at first.
Personally, I have not experienced love bombing and have only experienced breadcrumbing once. I recognized it quickly and ended the association.
My clients experience this too. Jan met Dave on Tinder. His message caught her attention when he complimented her on her smile. It was different from the typical messages she'd received, so they moved to texting quickly. After a few days of texting, they were talking on the phone and they started planning their first meeting.
They settled on a local diner for brunch. When Jan suggested a few dates, Dave didn't respond. She texted again but he did not reply. A week went by, and Jan thought she had been ghosted. She was disappointed and didn't understand what had happened.
After 10 days had gone by, Jan received a text from Dave with a brief apology. Jan accepted the apology and his following few texts were hot and sexy and made Jan feel relaxed. They made plans to meet up the following week and the night before the meeting, Dan texted to say he couldn't make it.
They set up three more meetings and always, at the last minute, Dave would pull out of the meeting. Jan was ready to end the relationship when she received a bouquet of roses from Dave with an apology. They planned another date and this time it went ahead. They had brunch together and Jan really enjoyed the morning; Dave was witty and made her laugh. He was more attractive in person than online.
For their second date, they planned to go out to dinner and decided to meet at a restaurant. Dave never showed up. Again, he didn't contact Jan for a week and then apologized, saying there had been an accident. He did not explain why he didn't simply text. But this time, Jan decided not to accept the apology, tired of being let down.
Dave's behavior is an example of breadcrumbing, which is when a person has no intention of taking the relationship further, but loves the attention they are getting so they will do things to keep you interested and involved. People who engage in breadcrumbing do so to seek attention and validation. They are often narcissistic.
Breadcrumbing can also involve sharing very little personal information and the perpetrator following through with plans around sex, but not keeping all other plans. The breadcrumber is focused on their own pleasure.
Victims of breadcrumbing often experience a blow to their self-esteem. They may look to figure out what they are doing to push the person away. Breadcrumbing is not personal. It is abusive behaviour and the best way to manage it is to cleanly end the relationship.
Love bombing is another way of manipulating a partner. The person who love bombs overwhelms their partner with extravagant gifts, compliments and affection. They do this to gain control in the relationship. They attach very quickly, going from first meeting to claiming a committed relationship in lightning speed.
They often completely ignore boundaries and attempt to separate the object of their affection from others. This behavior has been identified as a type of domestic abuse by the U.K. government.
Several of my clients have experienced this, one of which is Jay. Mandy and Jay met at a training day for their company. They sat together during the breaks and found themselves laughing throughout.
The next day, Mandy brought Jay coffee and pastries to his desk in the morning. Jay thought it was sweet, and that afternoon, Mandy sent Jay a text with dinner reservations for the following night. Jay felt uncomfortable but decided to go anyway.
They had a great time at dinner, and Mandy sent Jay a subscription to coffee of the month club the following day. She even booked an overnight date for the following weekend. Jay thanked Mandy for the subscription but declined the date, telling her that he felt it was too soon.
Mandy talked Jay into going and he finally agreed. That evening, he drank a bit too much and eventually stayed over. Mandy kept the pressure up until Jay found himself in a relationship.
When he would set a boundary, Mandy would never pay attention. She made it difficult for him to see friends and family as she always insisted on coming with him.
After a few months, Jay discovered that Mandy was going through his messages and deleting ones from family and friends. He confronted her and she apologized. He tried to end the relationship and she exploded. He came to therapy to find the best tools that would help him get out of the relationship.
Sometimes a person will love bomb first and then breadcrumb, and will repeat this cycle, causing the victim to doubt their own perceptions. The victim can end up feeling that they are worthless and can end up feeling dependent upon the person who is doing the love bombing and breadcrumbing for affection and validation.
I often ask my clients several questions when they are unsure about if they are being love-bombed or breadcrumbed:
Is the person respecting your boundaries? Is the person consistent in their communication with you? Do actions match their words? Do they give you breathing room? Are gifts appropriate? Do they allow you your space, your friends, your time?
I believe that the best way of dealing with a relationship of this type is to end it cleanly and stick to your boundaries.
Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey is a psychologist, accredited advanced GSRD (gender, sex and relationship diversity) Therapist, sex & intimacy coach, and resident specialist therapist starring in Open House: The Great Sex Experiment on Channel 4 in the U.K.
All views expressed in this article are the author's own.
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