Psychologists have revealed a simple predictor of relationship satisfaction that can also make you more attractive to potential partners.
There are two types of knowledge in a relationship: knowing and being known, according to experts. Knowing involves understanding your partner's wants, needs, desires and insecurities, while being known involves your partner's understanding of these same features about you. Both of these forms of knowledge increase feelings of intimacy and connection with another person. But which is more important when it comes to relationship satisfaction?
In a recent paper published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers from the University of California, Berkeley, and the University of Chicago investigated how these two types of subjective knowledge can be used to predict relationship satisfaction. They investigated not only romantic relationship satisfaction but also work relationships and community relationships.
The authors wrote: "Answering the question of whether feeling known or felt knowing matters more for relationship satisfaction is important because satisfaction in one's relationship can directly influence many consequential decisions, from deciding to get divorced (romantic relationship dissatisfaction), to leaving one's job (work relationship dissatisfaction), to relocation (community relationship dissatisfaction)."
Previous studies have shown that people are more attracted to supportive partners and stay in their relationships longer when they feel their partner is supportive of them, which stems from feeling understood. There is also evidence that people who hide who they really are from their partners show lower relationship satisfaction and commitment.
In its study, the team analyzed different types of relationships to understand which of these types of knowledge would be the most important predictor of relationship satisfaction. This included relationships between siblings and parents, romantic partners and friends. In each case, feeling known was a much stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction than feeling as if they knew the other person.
So even in non-romantic relationships, we tend to like people whom we feel understand us. While this might seem obvious, the researchers said it is actually quite surprising from an evolutionary perspective. "Knowing the 'quality' of a relationship partner might be more critical for choosing a relationship than being known," they write.
The researchers extended their study to investigate what they describe as "intended romantic partners"—in other words, people we might see on dating apps. What they found was that people were more likely to be attracted to those who expressed a desire to get to know the other person in their dating profile, rather than expressing a desire to be understood themselves.
However, after analyzing data from two popular dating websites, the researchers found that overwhelmingly people expressed their desire to be known in their dating profile, rather than their desire to get to know their potential partner.
"To connect with a relationship partner, it may be important to signal that you want to get to know them rather than only asking them to get to know you," the authors wrote.
About the writer
Pandora Dewan is a Senior Science Reporter at Newsweek based in London, UK. Her focus is reporting on science, health ... Read more