3 Signs Your Inner Child Is Impacting Your Relationships

Have you ever struggled to set boundaries with a partner? Or needed reassurance on first dates?

Thought leaders in psychology and personal development are now, after some inspection, attributing these behavioral patterns and similar emotional issues to one's "inner child." The concept of the inner child has gained traction in these spaces, influencing discussions on our wellbeing and interactions. The term refers to the part of us that retains childhood experiences, emotions, and needs—both met and unmet—that shape how we navigate relationships in adulthood.

While many people associate childhood wounds with major trauma, experts say that more seemingly minor experiences, like feeling unseen or misunderstood, can create patterns that persist into adulthood. These patterns often manifest in three key ways: insecurity, fear of abandonment, and a need for validation.

Dr. Norma Scevoli, a counseling psychologist who serves as clinical director at Resilient Wellbeing Clinic in London, England, told Newsweek that the inner child "influences how we perceive ourselves, connect with others, and respond to emotional triggers in adulthood."

"Unresolved childhood experiences—such as unmet needs for validation, affection, or security—can shape relationship patterns, often unconsciously," Scevoli, who was a co-founder at the private clinic she works at, told Newsweek. "In romantic relationships, the inner child may surface in moments of vulnerability.

"Feelings of abandonment, rejection, or criticism may trigger deep-seated fears from childhood, leading to patterns such as avoidance, people-pleasing, or emotional reactivity."

Experts agree that by understanding, soothing and nurturing the inner child, people can break free from repeating past dynamics and cultivate healthier relationships in the present.

Insecurity in Relationships

Insecurity in relationships often stems from early experiences where a child felt inadequate, unworthy, or unseen. This can manifest in adulthood as self-doubt, difficulty accepting love, or constant comparison to others.

Janet Philbin, a licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist, and author, told Newsweek that many adults are unaware of how their inner child drives their emotions and behaviors.

"We were all children once, and we still have that child within us," Philbin told Newsweek. "Most adults are not even aware that they have an inner child, because it lives in the subconscious mind, and this lack of conscious awareness related to the unmet needs of our inner child is where so many behavioral, emotional, and relationship difficulties stem from."

For example, if a child grew up believing they were only lovable when they achieved something, they might now struggle with feeling "good enough" in relationships. They may constantly seek approval, fear rejection, or worry that their partner will leave if they do not meet a certain standard.

Philbin emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in healing these patterns that stem from limiting beliefs.

"In working with a client to understand their inner child, one of the goals is to help them find compassion and kindness for themselves in order to reparent the inner child and reduce its impact on adult relationships," she said.

Therapeutic approaches such as inner child work, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and mindfulness practices can help individuals recognize and shift these deep-seated beliefs. The aim of this work is to process and detach from these old patterns, by removing the emotional charge associated with whatever triggers them.

Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is one of the most common ways the inner child influences relationships. It often stems from childhood experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or traumatic separations.

James Lloyd, a psychotherapist based in Ireland, told Newsweek that unresolved childhood wounds can lead to anxious attachment styles, difficulty trusting others, and heightened emotional reactivity in relationships.

"Someone who experienced inconsistency or neglect may develop anxious attachment, seeking reassurance but struggling with security," Lloyd told Newsweek. "Conversely, a person with a highly critical inner dialogue may find it hard to accept love or express vulnerability."

This fear can result in behaviors like clinging to partners, becoming overly accommodating, or feeling extreme distress when a partner is unavailable. It may also cause people to sabotage relationships preemptively to avoid perceived rejection.

Understanding where this fear comes from is the first step. Journaling about childhood experiences, working with a therapist, and practicing emotional regulation techniques can help. Lloyd suggests self-reflection and therapy as key tools to overcoming this particular inner child block.

"We can break unhealthy cycles and foster deeper, more secure relationships by acknowledging and nurturing our inner child—through self-compassion, therapy, or reflective practices," he said.

Seeking Constant Validation

If a child's emotional needs were ignored or dismissed, they may grow up feeling unseen or unheard. This can lead to an excessive need for external validation in adulthood.

Philbin explained that many coping mechanisms adults use today—such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or even withdrawing from relationships—are rooted in childhood experiences.

"As children, if we were not nurtured in the way we needed to be—either emotionally, physically, or both—we developed coping skills and defense mechanisms in order to survive," Philbin, author of Show Up For Yourself, said.

She added: "We learned that we must protect ourselves because our caregivers could not."

In relationships, this need for validation might manifest as over-giving, difficulty setting boundaries, or feeling deeply wounded by perceived criticism.

Rebuilding self-worth from within is crucial, according to the clinical social worker. This may involve practicing self-affirmation, setting healthy boundaries, and working on internal validation rather than seeking approval from others.

"The beauty is you can heal the inner child," Philbin said. "No one can do it for you. And when your inner child feels taken care of, then the adult self can be the one in relationships, and the inner child finally gets to rest and just be a child again."

Healing the Inner Child

Despite the slight differences in their specialisms and approaches, the experts agree that healing the inner child is an ongoing process that requires self-awareness, patience, and commitment. It involves recognizing old patterns, addressing deep-seated fears, and consciously choosing healthier behaviors going forward.

Therapeutic approaches such as inner child meditations, guided journaling sessions, somatic therapy practices, and reparenting exercises can help individuals reconnect with their younger selves in a compassionate way. When they have established that connection, they can then begin soothing their inner child and rewiring their negative beliefs about themselves and love.

Scevoli emphasizes that while healing past wounds takes time, the benefits can be transformative.

"By understanding and nurturing the inner child, people can break free from repeating past dynamics and build stronger emotional connections," the counseling psychologist said.

When the inner child feels seen, heard, and validated, then the magic can start to happen. Relationships become less about past wounds and more about making and enjoying genuine connection in the present.

Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.